Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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