Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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