Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
