ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
