Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
