I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
