Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
