I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
