I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
