Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
