the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
