Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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