i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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