I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
