My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
