Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
