I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
