I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
