New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
