I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
false alarm. still invincible.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
