his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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