Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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