And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
