Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Randomize
