Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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