I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
