Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So much rum. So many feels.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
