Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
