i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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