i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She even gives head with a lisp.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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