your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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