This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
