My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
