Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
