Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
