He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize