i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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