He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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