I just cut my nipple shaving
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
