You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
