He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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