So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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