I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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