she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
