I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I checked into jail on foursquare
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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