You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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