If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
