So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
