All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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