I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
