trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
