The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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