i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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